there will be more relief in death than living
by love at third sight
Summary: Gintoki, and his final choice. Spoilers for Chapter 519.
1. Chapter 1

a/n: Don't read this if you haven't read chapter 519.

* * *

**_There will be more relief in death than living_**

-x-

"_Shoyou? Your pupils have done what they were taught and went to die like dogs_."

Katsura struggles to get up, but one of the Naraku swings his rod at his neck. A steady stream of blood trickles out of his mouth, and he can barely breathe. It's their worst nightmare.

He mouthes out the word _sensei_ but nothing comes out. The uncertainty is unbearable.

"_You don't recall teaching them that? That is what you'd like to say, no_?"

Shut the fuck up, Takasugi thinks, and every muscle in his body is aching, aching, aching for action, but in the midst of the enemy's land, the adrenaline fuels nothing advantageous. The ropes tear at his skin.

"_If that's the case, shall we test it_?"

They rip off the ropes from Gintoki, knowing that even the famed Shiroyasha cannot defeat the strongest of the Tendoshuu, not with three hostages in their grips. He rises, so tired and weary. Defeated.

_"Will your disciples choose the path of dying like a dog with you?"_

Katsura's head rises, not understanding, but the feeling of horror threatens to snuff the breath out of his body.

_"Or, with their own hands… Will they choose the path of survival even if it means killing their master?"_

**_No_**! Katsura screams in his mind, because the ropes are bound around his lungs and he can't say anything, because this is hell, this is torture, this is beyond what any decent person can bear. He knows what choice Gintoki will make.

He knows.

"A fitting method of execution for one who fancies himself a teacher, don't you think?" The monster chuckles. "Your master or your comrades. Choose whatever you like."

_Gintoki. If I die, take care of Sensei. _

_Gintoki; our comrades - everyone, protect them, okay? I'm leaving things in your care. _

Gintoki takes one step towards Shoyou, his eyes empty and mysteriously devoid of life or light. And both Katsura and Takasugi know his choice.

"**_GINTOKIIIIIIIIIIIII_**!" screams Takasugi, his arms scratching against the rope, legs beating against the red dust of the ground, his body protesting against what he has to see.

"YOU PROMISED ME ON THE BATTLEFIELD!" he roared. "PICK US OVER HIM! GINTOKI! ANYTHING BUT HIM!"

But his choice is final.

There is no turning back. Gintoki walks towards Shoyou, his mind curiously blank.

Their beloved teacher turned his neck towards Gintoki, and a surge of love and affection bloomed in his heart.

He loved all three of them tenderly, as if they were his own children. He loved them so deeply that he was ready to die for them. He held no regrets except that he had dragged them into this war that they had no place to be in. They were so young.

Looking at his first and most cherished son, he only could feel sorrow in his heart for Gintoki.

_Oh, my son. There will be more relief in death than living. And yet - _

_Yet you will go on, stubborn and determined, because you are a survivor. I know this because I found you that day on the battleground. _

_You won't give up. You won't let me down. _

_You never have._

"Thank you," Shoyou says, and closes his eyes.

-x-


	2. Chapter 2

Everything had ceased to exist once Shoyou was dead. The universe had stopped dead in its tracks, the snow was no longer biting at his fingertips, and what had remained of his heart - hardened already by the reality of war - had cracked into a million pieces.

Somehow he could not even stand to be in the same room - breathing - or even seeing - the men around him, the men who he was supposed to lead after Shoyou was dead. He saw blackness everywhere, a numbness that he could not fight, even if he had wanted to.

He could not stop himself, it was not the same. It was not the same as mourning his comrade. It was not the same as the palpitating fear of Gintoki - or Zura - or Tatsuma - being dead. For they had escaped death many times before.

Something in him cracked - the last bastion of hope, of faith - whatever it was.

Nothing could be saved.

-x-

Katsura - damn him, damn everyone to hell - wouldn't let Takasugi kill himself. There were strict instructions - while Gintoki was out as interim commander of the remaining Kiheitai - not to allow him near a sword, nor razors, nor any conceivable knives or such contraptions that would allow Takasugi to commit suicide. And their morale was down. They'd all seen the real power of the Tendoshuu - the elite Amanto, the ones who are pulling the strings of the Bakufu government.

Seeing their commander with one eye disturbed everyone. Gintoki had offered no explanation. In fact, nobody had offered an explanation why Takasugi was resolutely refusing to talk to either Katsura or Gintoki, and it made everyone uneasy. Seeing him eat meals by himself and not making eye contact with anybody unless strictly necessary set their nerves on edge.

Then one evening, after they're taking shelter at the family estate of a lord publicly in favor with the Bakufu, but secretly supporting the expulsionist efforts, someone sends a request for Takasugi to be meet them in the orchard. He makes himself walk outside mechanically before he sees Gintoki in his white uniform, and nothing - nothing else can suppress the anger and hate he has for this man. Damn everyone for taking his sword away.

Every part of him shakes.

It's the first time either of them have looked at each other in the eye. Takasugi is unapologetic of the bandages wrapped around his head, and he even sickly rejoices in Gintoki's guilt when he finally realizes how bad he fucked up.

"I'm sorry - " Gintoki starts off, before Takasugi socks him in the jaw so hard his body slams into the ground.

-x-

Katsura tries to reason with him. But then again, that is Zura - he's the type who thinks about the long term. He's someone who makes big plans, someone who has the brains to really figure out life and its moral dilemmas. Takasugi doesn't have any patience for that.

Gintoki used to be someone he thought he could trust. After all, were they not brothers in war? Had they not jostled for Shoyou's attention once upon a time? Had they saved each others lives in battles countless times, too many to count?

_Had he not asked Gintoki to protect what they valued most in this rotten world? _

Sometimes he wants to puke over how much he's trusted Sakata Gintoki.

-x-

In the end, he sees himself as a failure. He finally sees that the war they've been waging is an exercise of folly - something to waste time, to waste their youthful energy. There is nothing honorable about defending a nation that bows its head towards Amanto. Nothing worthy about losing men every time they venture battle against a superior enemy.

And so, after years of espousing bushido, lying through his teeth about how they were fighting for the good of their country, Takasugi finally does what others have done before him: leave.

The third week after Shoyou dies, and both Katsura and Gintoki are busy with scouting patrols, he takes up his sword, and nothing else.

He has never really needed anybody else, after all.


End file.
